Wednesday, May 28, 2008

On my desk...

Well it is Wednesday already - time is flying for me at the moment.

The last few weeks have been crazy busy in our household.

Mr B has been working crazy hours. Like come home at 2am and get up at 6am for 2 weeks straight. Which finished up in him pulling an all nighter late last week. Little B and I have barely seen him. I did not realise how many of the little things he does around the house until he did not do them! So if you are reading this honey. Thank you.

And I have been wrestling with the issue of whether or not to return to work. I was due to head back in mid June. That's right. Was.

I have decided to put off my return to work for a little while longer.

It was a decision that I laboured about mentally during almost every second for about a month. I have already posted about the sorts of factors I was considering in making the decision so I won't bore you again! Sleep continued to elude me. I barely functioned.

The crux of it all really ended up being that at this point in time, Little B not being one yet, I am not ready to leave him to be cared for by someone else. Time has ticked on and he is still not, in my view, quite robust enough and ready for creche. I investigated other care options but nothing suitable came along.

I was really worrying about the effect of a slightly more prolonged absence on my career. I work in an industry where things change quickly. I ended up speaking to my boss and other girlfriends about it and felt assured that my worries were overstated. Not unusual for me really. I am by nature a bit of stresshead.

Mr B and I made the final decision over the weekend. I still feel some trepidation about it all. I am now forced to face the unfamiliar on a more longer term basis. I still have to fight my fleeting and irrational thoughts that staying at home to look after Little B is not as valuable as much as working in paid employment. I have to fight the feelings of vulnerability related to not earning an income for the first time in over 15 years. Having to trust that Mr B will continue to travel along well in his job and look after us financially. A burden which for him, is his alone for the first time in 15 years.

I know that exciting, inspiring and happy times lay ahead. After all I am responsible for a little life. I can't wait to watch Little B develop day by day. Teach him new words and things to do. Share new food with him. Take him new places to see new things. And experience the newness of everything with him through his eyes.

I now get the luxury of more time to discover more about who I am. What I like to do outside of work. Sewing. Gardening. Op shopping. Writing. Who knows what is to come.

I have made the decision now. I just have to enjoy it. And not worry about how it otherwise could have turned out. It's time to enjoy the moment.

My desk today is reflective of my state of mind. Calm. Clean. Tidy. Ready for action.

Exciting times lay ahead.


CurlyPops said...

I hope you can relax a bit now that the big decision has been made!

My Husband Calls Me Weird said...

Would you be able to tackle a couple work projects at home? Nothing too big, but to allow you the best of both worlds? If we could afford me to stay home, I would do it in a heart beat.


Maureen said...

Those are some serious 'grown up' choices to make, and most of us do agonize over them no matter what our age.

Take a deep breath and relax matter what the decision, there is always the unknown so fugadboudit. ;-)