Early morning ramblings and on my desk...

Well I am up very early this morning (its nearly 5.00am, have been cruising around catching up on my feeds for about an hour).

Why???

I suspect its a combination of things. I am still adjusting to daylight savings finishing as is Little B who has been up at around this hour for a feed and a cuddle over the last few days.

I am off to the dentist for a checkup today too. I really really really really don't like the dentist.

Something about laying back there with my mouth open makes me feel very vulnerable, a feeling I first had when I was very young and had to have alot of fillings done over quite a few sessions. I have got better over time as has my dental health. However one of the quirky side effects of my pregnancy has been that my teeth have moved - I am a grinder and wear a splint to bed at night - it no longer fits me - and I am a teeny bit anxious about why that is.

I have also been worrying about my finishing maternity leave and returning to work in the middle of the year. When I finished up paid work last year I was not so sure if I still liked my job and was considering resigning altogether to pursue something different. I had no idea what that was going to be. I have worked full time in my industry since getting into university, usually a 60 - 70 hour week and felt really worn out.

My time away from the job has been rejuvenating in so many ways. I have discovered that I am not my job. I do my job. I have relaxed enormously. I have enjoyed slipping into the shoes of motherhood making them fit and in the process becoming more me.

I am ready to return to the job and attempt it part time in my new shoes. I really did like the stimulation and excitement of the actual job, just not the stress of it. I am hoping to go back 2 days a week and if necessary will work from home half a day a week. My role will be quite different and I am hoping that will help ease the stress considerably. For one thing I will simply not be able to commit the hours required as I previously did. I am looking forward to other things about being back at work, having the extra money, having a little time to myself and being able to catch up with my friends who all work in the city.

The logistics of it all are a bit overwhelming. We live about 35 minutes from the city. Both the hubby and I work in the city.

Finding a child care place of some kind for Little B is the biggest challenge. The options seem to be to pop him in care in the city or close to home. To get a place in the city one has to endure waiting lists of approximately 2 years! That's right, people, you have to decide on your first date whether or not you might procreate together and pop the name of your future babe on the list! At this stage I have not even bothered going down that road.

There are not many places available in my local area either. Frankly I would not put my dog in some of the larger commercial child care centres I have seen since the middle of last year. All places have waiting lists closer to home too. Little B is on 2 waiting lists but I have not heard anything about a place being available despite my making fortnightly check up calls. Perhaps I need to graduate to popping in with morning tea or bearing other small gifts! My council won't take inquiries about family day care until about a month away from when you want the care so I am not yet able to pursue that avenue either. The uncertainty of it all is really getting to me.

I am moreso worried about how Little B might go being placed into care. We have so far spent a lovely 8 and a bit months together, mostly on our own. He is developing into a happy carefree little boy. He is developing a sensitive side which is showing itself more and more. We attend a mother's group weekly which is comprised of kids his age. Over the past few weeks I have observed that he is genteel with the other children, but likes his space and does not always welcome the advances of the other kids (some of whom are particularly gregarious!). Perhaps it is just a phase. Perhaps not. I worry how he will develop as part of a group of between 4 and 10 children.

Part of me feels very guilty about going down this road. About wanting to return to work. About wanting a little time for me. About putting Little B in care. Another part of me knows that if I don't return or at least try the return to work I am not likely to be the happiest camper which wouldn't be the best for Little B either.

It will sort itself out one way or another. I know that in my heart of hearts. Many parents have found themselves in this situation before me and Mr B.

The cool morning air makes it easier to think these sorts of things through.

If you have made it to the end of this long self involved post thank you!

Here is what is on my desk early this Wednesday morning:

Again not the greatest photo. And I suspect certainly not as interesting as others including Curlypops .

The Tupperware jug is a recent op shop bargain! The Hoegarden glass a souvenir of one of our many trips to the Belgian Beer Bar.

The scales are there as I have been ebaying some of the possessions which have been cluttering our lives for some time!

At the back there is a book I have really found useful, The Wonder Weeks by Hetty Vanderijt & Frans Plooij. As the title suggests it sets out a bit of a road map of the weeks of a child's development during the first year. A friend lent me her copy and it has been really good. I highly recommend it if you are in the market for such a book and you can get your hands on a copy!

Well the world is a waking! The birds are just starting to call, the heater has just gone on and Little B has just woken too! Enjoy your Wednesday!